And then it hit me…..

This is not a fashion post, but I think it is important so have a read 🙂

I have mentioned for a while now that I wanted to make changes in my life. True changes. I wanted to be happy. Thin. Successful. Independent. In love. Family. I honestly want it all and I think with the right mind frame a person can have it all.

It’s no surprise that I live with depression which is why I quit my job and came back to stay with my parents while I regained my faith in humanity and a normal mind. It’s obviously taken a little bit longer for me to come to grips with the fact that sitting in front of the TV watching Housewives marathons is not going to fix me. Having friends and family constantly tell me what I should do because “it might help” doesn’t actually help but annoy the shit out of me. Trying to explain how your mind works when you’re so deep into a depression to someone who doesn’t really understand is very difficult. I constantly hear “well I get sad too”. It’s not about being just sad or unmotivated for like a day it’s so much more complicated than that. I feel like I have vertigo on a regular basis, getting out of bed feels like a chore, washing my hair isn’t even an option because lifting the shampoo bottle feels like a thousand pounds. Food (even though it’s my crutch) sometimes tastes like I’m eating dirt. Leaving the house makes me lose my breath.

I am constantly feeling like the walls are closing in on me and crushing me. Like I will be scooped up by water and drowned. If you have seen the movie “The Hours” there is a scene in which Julianne Moore leaves her son at a babysitter because she is planning her suicide. She goes to a hotel, while there she is reading Virginia Woolfe who did in fact die from drowning because she put rocks in her pockets as weighters to hold her under. As Julianne Moore is Reading she is obviously dreaming but as she lays there she is in gulfed by water. This is a common feeling for me. As though I am drowning.

Another good example of similar feelings if Kirsten Dunst in “Melancholia” She comes to her sisters home and she is clearly suffering deeply that honestly was such a good example of the feeling I have felt. It feels like things won’t get better. Like there isn’t an answer. Like no one understands.

VICE has some videos on youtube, one in particular was about a forest in Japan known as the suicide forest Called The Aokigahara Forest. This forest was once written about in a Japanese novel and one of the characters goes there to kill themselves. It now has become the place to go for suicides. Hundreds of people go here to contemplate suicide or actually commit suicide. It was the most emotional thing I had watched in a while I think. As they were walking through the woods, they were following a man who worked for the park I think but knew the park well and came upon a skeleton of a body. The body had completely deteriorated and left just the bones with the clothes still on. His phone, his car keys, everything. And he was alone. He had been alone. He had died alone.

I don’t want to die alone. The first step in change is with you. I needed to push from myself to make the change in my own life. To actually fully and completely make the change. Little steps of course but I think I am ready.

I have said this many times before but I really need to make them now because I fear if I don’t do it now I never will.

Yesterday I was talking to my friend and I mentioned I was going to be 34 in December. THIRTY-FOUR!!!!! WHAT.THE.FUCK. When did this happen? I still feel 25? Yes, I know 34 is just a number and age is really how you feel but I did freak out a little bit. I was sitting on the stairs of my parents house and I stopped breathing for a moment. I looked down at myself. it was 3pm and I was still in pajamas. I said ” Holy shit! I need to get my shit together. I need to do something now because next thing I know I’m going to be that person who is fucking 40 living in my parent’s basement” (they don’t have a basement but you get the idea.)

I realized I want a career doing what I want to do, what I love. I want to feel sexy again and attractive. I want to be able to walk into a store and try on a pair of jeans and they fit. I want a house where I can decorate like an adult and have a backyard for my dog. I want a family. I want an actual relationship with a man, a sexy man with a heart of gold who will love me when I go a little crazy or gain 15 pounds. Who will love me for me and compromise. I want to travel to Paris and marry my super sexy man (preferably with tattoos and dirty hair) in front of that bridge with all the locks, very romantic even though I don’t have much romance in me.

I started again on Wellbutrin, well its at the pharmacy but I am going to go pick it up. That’s my first step. My next step is to slim this bod down to where I am comfortable and where I will be happy.

Having depression, anxiety, panic attacks or any other type of mental illness sucks. It’s tough to actually live a normal life. But I want people to know that if you are struggling with something to not give up. Find someone to talk to. You can talk to me 🙂 Don’t hold it all in. Don’t self medicate because it doesn’t help either ( I know, I’ve tried. I failed.) I have found that even finding an artistic outlet helps wonders. Writing, art, dance, music, photography anything creative helps. But the biggest help is telling someone. If you don’t feel comfortable telling a parent or family member, Tell a friend, call a hotline, if your still in school go to an educator, tell me 🙂 Anyone who will listen. Who can help.

It has always been my desire to make a difference in the world, to help. I didn’t know how to do that, but maybe this is it. 🙂

 

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