A Clean Slate

A few posts back I wrote about some personal issues in my life that I took some time away from certain things. I didn’t go to in-depth about what was going on but I think I am ready to talk about it.

I really don’t know how many people are into this blog but it’s actually helped me a little in my life.

An escape and a place where I can try and express my true passions in life, even though I don’t completely go at whole heartedly, which is really the reason for this post.

Before I get to the nitty gritty of everything, I am actually terrified to post this, but here are a few things about me to kind of see where I am going.

Here are few things about me.

*I’m 33

*I just moved to Los Angeles from Seattle

*I’ve gained a significant amount of weight throughout the years which makes me uncomfortable

*I suffer from incredibly painful depression

*I suffer from even worse anxiety

*I have a ridiculous amount of insecurity which tends to allow me to make some stupid choices about my life

*I am disappointed with my life and choices and hold on to my regrets

*My depression has allowed me to fully enjoy my life or follow my heart, and for the past 2 years has been the worst I have ever seen it.

*I had a mini breakdown not long ago where I cut off my family, cut off the few friends I had left, barely left the house, lost my job and cut off my own hair to disastrous results.

So why am I telling the world this? I honestly don’t know. I feel like I need to make some changes with my life and for me this is my first step. Acknowledging that I have a problem and I need help.

I know some people don’t fully believe that depression/anxiety is a real thing; I know this because people have verbally told me. To my face.

Here is the thing, even when I was much lighter in weight, could wear whatever I wanted, had a great job, didn’t struggle day by day with money etc. I was still so depressed. I think it was easier for me to mask it then, maybe because I was younger, had more friends, I really don’t know. But when no one was there I was sad, so sad I contemplated suicide, but I know I would never actually do that. I curbed my depression with alcohol and sex. Not the correct method for dealing with your depression, trust me.

Depression is a very real thing and I know the first step to being better is with myself. No one really can force anyone to be healthy and happy. Unless you’ve truly experienced it it’s hard to really understand that, and I get that. It’s like an addict, you can’t force them to go to rehab they have to be willing to get the help. If you force someone they will inevitably relapse.

So, why I am posting this.

 I didn’t just post as like a PSA for depression, I posted this because I need to make changes, and soon. I don’t want to make up at 40 wondering where my youth went, even though I’m not that young.

I want to actually do something with my life; I want to make a difference in my own life and others. I want to be remembered. I want to experience life and not be scared to go outside. I don’t want to cry anymore. I want my smile to be genuine. I want to love what I am doing. I want to be loved. I want to love myself.

So, here is what I am proposing for myself. A challenge of sorts to help me make the changes I want to.

For the rest of the year I want to make sure I am posting on here at least once a day. Even if it’s to just say hello. I want to get out and experience this City more and the surroundings so I want to be able to document that on here.

I also really want to lose weight so I want to document that as well, keep up with my work outs and well, what it takes to lose this weight. I also want to find a therapist in the Los Angeles area that can help me work through a few things.

Well, I hope people will keep following me and keep me motivated to do this. I need all the help I can get 🙂

I know depression and mental health is a pretty controversial topic among people and everyone has their own opinion on it.

What are your thoughts? Have you suffered from depression?

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2 thoughts on “A Clean Slate

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